Three Minutes of Intimacy is about improving your social life and chances for romance. It's about partner dancing, the perfect way to begin a relationship. From the moment you step onto the dance floor, there is the immediate physical contact, and your opportunity for relationship building begins. Social dancing is perhaps the best kept secret there is about how to meet the opposite sex. To better acquaint you with the book, a table of contents appears below. Following the table of contents are brief excerpts from several chapters—shown as links in the table of contents. See the Order the Book page for information about ordering your copy of Three Minutes of Intimacy.

table of contents Two to Tango The Ultimate Connection Why Men Don't Dance . . . And Why They Should! Getting Started Technique Will Get You Everywhere Dance Etiquette—To Do or Not to Do? Which Dance Style Do You Like? What to Wear ONE LAST WORD RESOURCE GUIDE Dance clothes Dance shoes Internet sites Music National organizations Publications Vacations Videotapes and music Miscellaneous National swing dance events Further reading

1 TWO TO TANGO

"That was great!" remarked Diane. "I'm so glad you talked me into coming that night I called you. This beats the singles bars any day. The atmosphere is much more comfortable, and everyone is so friendly! Someone already invited me to go to another dance on Thursday. I never imagined it would be this easy!"

Diane had previously called to inquire about a series of evening dance workshops our club was sponsoring. She had been very ambivalent about venturing out alone, at night, to a dance workshop without a partner.

I knew exactly what she was feeling. In response to an advertisement promoting swing dance, I had walked into the Driftwood Inn on a cold, wintry night almost three years earlier, discouraged and lonely, looking for something to ameliorate the emptiness. Never did I dream of the passion, the fun, and, especially, the incredible social life that awaited me.

There are many bright, intelligent, and interesting people sitting at home rather than out socializing because they are too worn down to continue their search for the love, affection, and physical contact they need and desire. Social dancing, also known as partner-style dancing, partner dancing, and "touch dancing," is a terrific remedy for this situation. It builds confidence instead of destroying it. As you become more skilled, you become more sure of yourself. And from the moment you walk onto the dance floor with a partner, there is the physical contact. It is comforting, often exciting and stimulating, even sensuous. It really is a perfect way to begin a relationship. Both partners are doing something that they enjoy, thereby making conversation relatively easy. Conversation can, in turn, lead to a more friendly chat over a cup of coffee, to dinner (and dancing, of course), and eventually, if things work out, romance. Or it may lead to a friendship and an expanded circle of acquaintances, which may in turn lead to a more intimate relationship.

Men and women come to dance with different expectations. This should not be a surprise to most of us. Leil Lowndes, in her bestseller, How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You, points out many of the different attitudes between men and women. The vast majority of men, for instance, are not about to give up Monday night football for the love of music or the art of dance. They are interested in meeting women and in a sexual encounter. If learning how to dance will increase their chances in achieving those goals, they will, under the right circumstances, invest the time required to learn.

Women are likewise interested in meeting persons of the opposite sex (POS). However, their interests tend to be geared more toward relationships and dance. A study of 500 female dancers between the ages of 25 and 45, single and married, shows that, in order of importance, dance comes first, followed by financial success and then sex. This would explain why, when Clark Gable walked into the Savoy (a popular New York dance hall in the heyday of Lindy Hop) and someone shouted, "Hey, Clark Gable's in the house!" the reply that followed was, "Oh yeah, can he dance?"

That women find the ability to partner dance so attractive may explain why they never ask me why I swing dance. Dancing is so natural to many women that they can't understand why anyone wouldn't want to dance. It's sort of like men and sports. Can you imagine one man asking another, "Why do you like to play softball?" Doesn't happen. Wouldn't happen. But a man might, if he were willing to risk a cold stare provoked by his political incorrectness, ask a softball-playing woman why she did so. Herein lies just one of the differences between the sexes. Men usually resist females intruding on their perceived territory. Women invite guys to come and play on their turf.

I social dance and enjoy it just as I enjoy any other sport such as skiing and tennis. I enjoy having a woman in my arms as we gracefully move around the dance floor together. And now that I've become a reasonably good dancer, I like it that women often ask me to dance. Before, I had to do the asking. And I often got rejected. That rarely happens now. I enjoy my newfound popularity with the opposite sex and the opportunities it affords to build new relationships.

Women seem to understand it when I mention relationships. Men don't. When a man asks me the reason I dance, I keep the answer short and sweet: "Because that's where the girls are." That they understand.

The social interaction surrounding partner dancing results in a constantly expanding network of new friends and activities. For example, my sister has taken up windsurfing through contacts made at dancing, and recently she was given an aerial tour around Manhattan by a member of Swing Dance Long Island who happens to be a pilot. The opportunities to meet people and engage in new experiences are boundless. We started a dinner group in which a few of us dancers get together every month at someone's home. Some of the people eventually brought friends from outside the dance group. You may get invited to play golf or tennis. Or perhaps you'll find some people to go with on a nice dance vacation around Europe. There are all sorts of ways to meet new and interesting people. Dancing can take you well beyond the proverbial wooden floor. How far beyond, and how involved you get, is up to you.

2 THE ULTIMATE CONNECTION

Social dancing offers an introduction to another person which is extraordinary in terms of physical intimacy. When you're in direct contact with your partner, you're able to get a sense of how he or she moves. Is he gentle or rough, forceful or timid, persuasive or unsure? Does she follow well or does she want to lead? This physical connection between dancers can be overpowering, with the leader forcefully directing his partner to the intended position, or it can be as subtle as a slight bit of tension between their fingertips. As one dance instructor put it, "a little tension can be a good thing."

My sister, Suzanne, feels that someone's dance personality gives a very good indication of his or her true personality in the real world. If her male partner tends to be pushy, aggressive, or overly forceful on the dance floor, he is likely to have similar characteristics off the floor. Other personality traits, such as shyness, nervousness, and conviviality seem to be conveyed through dance as well. My personality trait "antennae" are not as finely tuned as my sister's (and, it would seem, most women's), but I agree with her position in general, adding only that in my opinion it is easier to discern these traits when dancing with an experienced partner. In other words, as people become better dancers and, therefore, more comfortable with their environment and more confident in their ability, the more likely they will express their true nature on the "wood." It is also less likely that their partners will interpret their initial feelings of nervousness and awkwardness as a personality trait, but rather as symptoms commonly associated with the learning stages of dance.

Your proximity to your dance partner provides you with the opportunity for verbal dialogue as well, so you can establish a conversational relationship in addition to a physical one.

One of the things that social dancing undeniably provides is an alternative to the bar scene. Many ladies come to check out our dances, then come back the following week with one or more of their friends because they find the atmosphere "so comfortable and friendly," allowing people to move at a more leisurely pace in developing relationships. By the way, relationships are the key to the success of partner-style dancing as a social form. Have you ever gone to a singles bar only to return home without having spoken to anyone except the bartender? It doesn't exactly encourage you to go out again.

Many women complain about the quality of men they meet at bars and other singles events. However, if you stop to think about it, this problem shouldn't come as a surprise. The men who are successful in this type of environment are "experts." They have honed the skills required to meet women in these situations. The fact that they have become proficient at "picking up" women usually makes them less-than-ideal partners for any type of long-term relationship. They usually have their choice of women. When a problem pops up, it is easier for them to find another woman than to stick around and try to resolve the issue.

A corollary of the typical singles situation is that these experts are actively searching the room for the most attractive women. Unlike most men, who become nervous just entertaining the thought of approaching such a woman, these smooth operators thrive on pick-ups. That means that a woman must expect to be judged exclusively on her looks.

5 TECHNIQUE WILL GET YOU EVERYWHERE

Knowledge is power. Everything else being equal, the more knowledgeable we are at our job, the more invaluable we become to our employer. It is much the same in sports. Substitute the word technique for knowledge—technique is, after all, acquired knowledge manifested physically—and the appropriateness of the analogy becomes immediately obvious. The skier or golfer who has invested the time to acquire the proper technique is more likely to excel than the individual who flies by the seat of his pants. So it is with dance—except even more so—since we dance as partners. In fact, dancing today is probably more of an equal partnership than ever before.

When my parents danced, and they were relatively good Lindy dancers, my mother did most of the footwork. My father, for the most part, led or "threw" my mother out and let her do her thing—which she did quite well. Today, both men and women are expected to be active participants; that is to say that each one should add something to the dance. This is where knowledge (technique) comes into play. The more knowledge you possess, the more interesting you become as a partner. As nationally renowned dance instructor Skippy Blair puts it, "The first dance with someone is the same as a first conversation. If it is a ‘one-sided’ conversation, it is very dull."

Equal partnership stresses the need for women to take dance lessons as well as men. The more your technique improves, the more actively you can follow and the more exciting—and desirable—you will become as a dance partner.

Perhaps the single most important fundamental element that the man must learn is how to lead properly. Simply put, this means he must be able to clearly indicate to his partner what his intentions are. This is not as simple in practice as one would think. I have spoken to a number of women who were disappointed after dancing with an acknowledged competition dance champion. They couldn’t seem to "connect" and felt it was their fault. It turned out to be the opposite. When I asked them questions about his lead, it became obvious he was not communicating his intentions well. He was, in fact, a poor leader—not an unheard of trait among competition dancers. Competition dancers are used to dancing with a single partner in a choreographed manner. Unless they dance socially with different partners, there is little need for them to learn how to lead well. All of which shows that no matter how good a dancer you are, you must be able to communicate with your partner if you want her to feel that special tingle in her spine when the two of you connect on the dance floor.

Dance lessons also help you understand the fundamentals of either moving a partner or being directed by your partner around the dance floor. Once you know how to do that well, the only thing that differs is the type of dance that accompanies a particular type of music. The basics do not change. In other words, once you learn how to perform one dance well, learning other dances becomes easier. The Lindy, West Coast Swing, the Bop, and the various forms of Shag all use the same technique for partnering, the same rhythm, and the same or similar types of turns. There is a basic skeleton to all these dances so you can go from one dance to another relatively easily. But you must first build your foundation of knowledge.

8 WHAT TO WEAR

SHOES

The most important part of your gear is a comfortable pair of shoes. Whether you're dancing ballroom, swing, country western, shag, or anything else, if your feet are in pain you won't enjoy the experience.

Be sure to break in the new pair at home or while practicing, or at least bring a comfortable pair with you if your feet get tired from the new shoes.

Carol Fournier of Toe to Toe Dance Shoes offers the following advice for proper fit and care of dance shoes:

All good dance shoes have a few things in common. First, they should have a steel shank to support your foot and keep your arch from "flattening" as you dance. Second, dance shoes should have soles created for the specific type of dancing you are doing. Chrome suede bottoms reduce the friction on the dance floor, allowing you to move more easily. Reducing the friction should also help reduce the fatigue in your joints. Rubber soles are used on shoes for Lindy Hop. Lindy hoppers prefer to know that their feet will be firmly planted on the floor when they come down from jumps and lifts.

Cushioning is also important. Cushioning minimizes foot shock and whole body stress, enabling you to enjoy dancing more comfortably and for longer periods. Dance shoes should be designed with natural foot and toe shapes, to help minimize undue pressure, and distortion of toe and metatarsal bones.

For ultimate comfort, dance shoes should feel "snug like a glove" without pinching any part of your foot. The recommended fit for an open-toed ladies' sandal should allow the end of your toes to fall from within a half-inch of, to slightly hanging over, the end of the shoe. For closed-toe shoes, we usually look for the end of the toes to be approximately one-half-inch to three-quarters-inch from the end of the shoes so as not to crush the toes.

Women will find they are more secure in a dance shoe than in street wear. Dance shoes have T-straps, ankle wraps, laces or elastic to keep them snug and secure on your feet. I personally found I was curling my toes in an effort to keep my street shoes on my feet while dancing. I've even "thrown a shoe," as have many others, while dancing and had to retrieve it from across the floor. The confidence you gain from knowing you are not going to have to stop in the middle of the dance to hobble across the floor in one shoe to retrieve the one that flew across the room is invaluable.